Time for reality... and admit a truth that's not easy to say out loud.

Dear Diary,

So the last 4 hour have SUCKED!!! I have had to face many realities in a short amount of time. Signs that we (the 30 year olds) are growing up? Taking care of our parents, divorce, babies, death... are a few spots to start... We all have things that make us stronger people... that we've had to struggle with and learned to make tough decisions. I guess that I'm experiencing my reality and share of tough decisions. I've had a mini reality, of helping my mom, but this one is ALL on me... not even Rockstar gets ownership, but unfortunately he will help solve this.

So when did this start and what am I talking about? The name of the game (and the pounding headache that I have from crying and racing thoughts) is FORECLOSURE. Wow! That even hurt to type... I was hoping that by blogging about it first, I could sort through things.

I started blogging a year ago about F-ing up... I have blogged before about HATING MONEY. All of these are coming to a conclusion it seems and NOT the way I was hoping. I have only talked with 4 people about this: Rockstar, my mom, Kiki, and another close friend who has experienced loss of property. I called Bank of America and found that my efforts to save my house were denied! I get to join the 9 million people who are also experiencing foreclosure.

It started with me trying to help my mom avoid foreclosure, it started with me living a little too frivolously, it started with Rockstar moving and taking on more expenses (not that he has ANY ownership of this). All of these things combined started the foreclosure process on my house. I have lived here 6 years and yes all houses are money pits, but I still love this house! I look at what Rockstar and I have done to this house... and have worked to make it work for us.

I have done the weekly phone calls and slowed down when I was told that the loan modification process started and a package was being put together. I was told that the process would take 30 to 90 days. I figured I would be contacted with a package... Instead I was contacted with phone calls (I didn't know at the time) and no messages were left (who just answers any 800 numbers or calls them back). (Is that the sign? A sign that the bank was giving up? Or that I should have given up?)

I called tonight since I haven't heard from them in a while... once I answered all the confirmation questions of who I am... I heard the phrase... "Your house went to sale on July 1, 2010... nobody bought the house, so it came back to us." Apparently now, they can close a case one day and two days later it goes to sale. My only choice (it seems... phone calls will be made tomorrow) is to pay off the whole house. Not that the house is worth that amount (it's worth about $20-25,000 less than when I bought it) and/or that I could come up with that amount.

So what are my choices? How do I make this up to Rockstar? How will the future look? Why can banks get away with such little attempts at contact? I have a job and I get denied? Why can't I take life more seriously? Do I post this blog post on Facebook? How do I tackle tomorrow?

This would be just a sampling of the questions RACING through my head. (OUCH!!!!!)

The advice I have received from someone close who found out yesterday that their house was also foreclosed: It's time to be humble... admitting to others that you lost your house is the most humbling experience... all things happen for a reason... we can get you through this... God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (people, places and things). The courage to change the things I can (my attitudes), and the common sense to know the difference.

So, I'm not looking for pity or the sorts. I looking for away to share with those closest what is going on. I'm looking for a way to come up with a plan of attack. I'm looking for a way to grow up and be responsible. I'm looking for a clean start on finances. I'm looking for a dose of good luck so that we get through this and can look back be grateful for what has transpired.

I guess this will not be a secret. I'm guessing it will spread through family and friends. I hope that will understand that I have started to accept that I put myself in this situation and am only look for support to move on to the next series of choices. I hope that VERY soon I will be able to write and announce our plan of attack. It is so much easier to talk about foreclosure when it's someone else, but trying to describe your own situation is quite: painful, humiliating, embarrassing, humbling, frustrating, sickening, regretful... there are so many other feelings that I can't even comprehend right now.

A sign of hope? A silver lining? I have someone close who is going to help me form a plan of attack.... a realistic plan of attack. Rockstar is with me and loves me. I am a strong person (and so is Rockstar) and we will survive this.