Many thoughts today...

Dear Diary,

As you have noticed, I have been blogging a lot lately. I've had so many racing thoughts that I can't do anything about, but they need to get out of my head... and you are such a good listener. Today, after my initial post where I was still coming off my high of Microbrew Festival, I've had many conflicting... emotional... not sure what else... thoughts.

Today, first and foremost, is the birthday of my cousin Tom who died in October 2009. I know now that I didn't appreciate him enough and his contribution to so many lives. I have had almost a guilty feeling about that since his death. Why is that death puts life in such perspective? We heard so many stories of how Tom was helping others. I am proud to say that I was related to him and am mad/sad that I wasn't closer to him. I looked at cellphone and saw the reminder for his birthday today which makes it seem like he is still here. I miss him and his sarcastic ways!

Also, in the district that I teach the community has a lost a cherished member. He was a Marine and just came home to thousands who will remember him. Why is this affecting me? Well, it was just too young of a life to lose (23 years old). It's the formal Millitary tribute that is reminding me of Tom. Tom's funeral was a Firefighters tribute and it was the most beautiful thing I had seen.

The final mesh of all these feelings is that I'm struggling with my own issues as I'm remembering their deaths. Should I feel guilty? No. But which is worse: loss of home or loss of life? The difference... some things we have control over and some we do not. I need to learn from all of this that it was MY choices that caused this to happen. I have not and will not blame others. BUT you can also be sure that this will NOT happen again. It's time to make better choices... be responsible for the things that are ours.

I'm not sure if there is anything else running around in my head or not... I think I have them out for today. Just one last birthday wish to my cousin Tom, a man who was taken too soon from us... his parents, his son, his sisters, and friends and family who loved him so much. My thoughts and heart are with those who are thinking of him today.